The Dedalus Book of Roman Decadence: Emperors of Debauchery by Geoffrey Farrington

Author:Geoffrey Farrington [Farrington, Geoffrey]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2010-08-25T17:11:00+00:00

After the applause a platter followed, not as big as expected, but so novel that everyone stared. It was a round platter with the twelve signs of the zodiac on it and above each the master-chef had placed some special food suitable to the attributes of the sign. Above Aries, a ramekin of buttered chickpeas; above Taurus, a steak; above Gemini, testicles and kidneys; above Cancer, a garland; above Leo, an African fig; above Virgo, a young sow's udder; above Libra, a pair of scales with a tart on one side and a cake on the other; above Scorpio, a little sea-fish; above Sagittarius, a bullseye; above Capricorn, a lobster; above Aquarius, a goose; and above Pisces, two mullets. In the centre was a honeycomb on a clump of grass.

An Egyptian boy brought bread round in a silver dish, murdering as he did so a hit from a recent musical in an incredibly offensive voice. We sat down rather miserably at such cut-price food. 'I recommend that we eat,' said Trimalchio. 'This is the real sauce of our dinner.' As he said this, four dancers pranced up in time to the music and removed the top half of the dish. Inside it we then saw corn-fed fowls, sows' udders and a hare in the middle. It had wings attached to look like Pegasus. In the corners we spotted four figures of the satyr Marsyas, and from their wine-skins a peppery sauce flowed out over the fishes, who seemed to swim in a rivulet. Started off by the household, we all applauded this, and set off on these trifles with a laugh. Trimalchio was as pleased as we were with the trickery he had played, and called out 'Carve 'em!' A man came up immediately and in time to music he carved up the meat in such a way that you would have thought he was a gladiator, fencing to musical accompaniment. In a very soft voice Trimalchio carried on saying "Carve 'em, Carve 'em!' I suspected that this repetition was part of a joke, and I wasn't ashamed to ask the man sitting next to me. He had watched this game more often than I had, and explained, 'you see that man slicing up the meat? - his name is Carveham. So whenever Trimalchio says "carve 'em," he's calling out the name and the order.'

I wasn't able to eat much more, so I turned to my dinner companion to find out as much as possible - I started to dig for gossip, and to find out who the woman was who was running about all over the place. `She's called Fortunata. She's Trimalchio's wife, and she counts her money by the roomful. And before she married him, what was she? I would not have taken a piece of bread - pardon my French - from her poxy hand. No-one knows how or why, but now she's in seventh heaven and is Trimalchio's reason for living. In fact, if she were to tell him that it was dark at midday, he'd believe it.

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